Lent 2014 - Day 38 - Writing

Writing

I've never considered myself to be much of a writer.  Truth be told, I've done more writing on a regular basis these last thirty nine days than I have since college.  I've always thought of myself as a competent writer, it's just never been one of my favorite things to do.

My parents are both accomplished and published authors.  Other than on my blog, I don't think any of my writing has ever really been published.  I've written the odd article for an online newsletter here or there, but nothing really of note.

I have had some of my short films and videos get published.  I even had one on exhibit at the Museum of Modern Art (MoMA) in New York City.  That was pretty cool.  I also had a few exhibitions of my photography when I was in college.  All of that was a long time ago.

I have found it quite challenging to try to write pretty much everyday for 40 days (that would explain why I'm a few days behind).  It has also been rather enjoyable.  The best part of it for me has been hearing your comments and having conversations with you about my stories.  I'd love for these posts to be seen more as conversation starters than anything else.  I have no great dreams of becoming a star of the blogosphere, but I must admit that I get a thrill when I see the view counts go up on my posts (remember, I'm very competitive).

It has been rather cathartic as well.  I've enjoyed trying to explain how I feel about things and why some things are important to me.  I hope it's given you a chance to get to know me better.

I doubt that I will continue to try to post on a daily basis once Lent is over.  However, I will probably post more often than I did before.

Thank you for being a great audience!

Lent - 2014 - Day 37 - Juanita

Juanita

Juanita is my Mother-in-Law. I don't think she gets enough credit most of the time, so I thought I'd write about her.

Despite having only a High School education and never having a lot of money, she's managed to raise five wonderful kids and is the Grandmother and Great-Grandmother to a good deal more.  She would do absolutely anything for any one of them at any time. Period.

She was absolutely devoted to her husband Marvin and misses him everyday. She has learned to do pretty well on her own, but she gets lonely.

She lays awake at night worrying about her family.  If there is ever anything she can do to help, she does.

She loves us all with food.  If you ever leave her house hungry, it's your own fault.  If five people are expected for lunch, she makes enough food for twenty, at least.

She and Marvin used to dog sit for us and she would cook for my dogs. Seriously, she would buy canned salmon and cook it up with eggs and feed them. She loves dogs, and they love her.

She is proud of every one of her kids and their families.

She is Faithful and prays for us all daily.

She goes to as many of her children, Grandchildren and Great-Grandchildren's events as she can.  She's almost 87, so sometimes it's hard for her to get there.

She has photos of all of her family all over her house.

She never misses a birthday or anniversary, she always sends a card.

She has a great sense of humor and isn't afraid to laugh at herself.  She once lost her dentures and after a very thorough search it became apparent they would never be found, she'd have to get new ones.  It was close to Christmas so we went out and bought her a set of Bubba teeth (you know those fake teeth that make you look like you have buck teeth?).  We wrapped them up and gave them to her at Christmas.  She opened them up, laughed and put them in! She even let us take her picture!  It was hilarious. 

She remembers everyone's favorite food and always tries to make it for them when they come to visit.

She can't sit still.  If she's not folding laundry, doing a jigsaw puzzle or cooking, she's rubbing her knee with her hand while she sits.

We all have flaws, some of us are just better at hiding them than others. No one can ever accuse Juanita of playing games, she is an open book. With Juanita you will always know exactly where she stands. Sometimes we have to remember that she is just being genuine and that we should not take her tone or approach personally (I struggle with this one a lot). She does not mean to offend, she's just getting right to the point. I think she's afraid if she doesn't make a fuss she won't get noticed.

I wish she had more faith in herself.  She is a very good woman with a great heart.  If she had more confidence in her own abilities I think she would be happier.

I love her and am glad she's in my life.

Lent 2014 - Day 36 - Scrapbooking

Scrapbooking

One of my biggest hobbies is Scrapbooking.  I love doing it, but sometimes its hard to get started.  It can be so overwhelming!  There are just so many photos, it seems impossible to ever get caught up!

I think one of the reasons I like to scrapbook is because I have so little from when I was growing up.  We moved so often that keepsakes were few and it seems I have almost no photos from my childhood.  I love telling the stories of my family in these albums.  As you can see, we have quite a few!

I've been trying to finish albums for Wolf from his stay here with us last year.  I'm trying to make two copies of the albums, one for him and one for us.  It's a daunting task and I need to be more diligent about it. That's another part of the problem for me, once it becomes a job it loses some of the fun.

For over ten years I was a Creative Memories consultant, mainly to support my own habit. I don't miss having to make sales, I miss the crops though.  They were kind of like a modern day Quilting Bee.  Lots of women all together in the same room working on creating something meaningful for their families.  We would talk and share about our lives, make suggestions about page layouts, laugh and snack.  It was wonderful! I'm sure I'd scrapbook more now if I had some of that fellowship. Anyone want to be my scrapbook buddy?

Time is also my enemy here.  Everything else seems to be more of a priority.  I have a space in the basement where I can crop, now that its finally warming up I might be able to spend more than 15min. down there and not get frostbite!

Whenever I see my kids sit down and look through an album it reminds me why I made them.  They love going over the photos and the stories, reliving family vacations, Christmas and birthdays, as well as everyday days we had together.  These are great gifts, I just need to remind myself of that and get back to it!

Let me know if you'd like to come over and crop sometime! I'd love to have the company!

Lent 2014 - Day 35 - Gaming

Gaming

I have kind of a love / hate relationship with gaming.  

Sometimes I love it, especially when I'm wining. 

Seriously, I'm very competitive and I think strategically so some games I really like.  Resource management (Catan, Carcassone) games are ones I'm very good at. Word association games too (Taboo!, Heads Up) and trivia games (Trivial Pursuit, Chronology). Pattern games (Set, Tsuro).

I do not like role playing games. I think it's because I feel like the rules are being made up as we go and the goal of the GM is to trip me up. I really don't like that.  I like to know how the game is going to be played from the outset. I also don't like the all consuming nature of role playing games. It seems as if time stops and nothing else matters when people go into one of these games, which would be OK for an hour or two, but it goes on for way too long for me.

I do not like learning new games. I think its because I feel stupid when I mess up at a new game and that makes me mad.  As I said before, I'm very competitive, and yes, I know this can be problematic.

I do not like being left out of games.

I stink at first person shooter games.Although, I enjoy watching Deane play Bio Shock in all of it's forms.  I can participate with him as he plays by being an extra set of eyes and helping him find things.

I'm good at pinball.

I like playing every once in a while.  I don't need it to be a weekly thing.  There are too many other things that I need to deal with on a weekly basis. We used to host a game night once a month.  That was fun. We'd pick a "theme" or certain game to play most of the night and we all had a good time at it.

I like the social aspect of gaming.  

I hate vindictive gamers. You know, those people who go after one person just because they can?  I may be competitive, but I'm fair and I don't like to pick on other players.

We go to GenCon as a family every year and I really enjoy it.  I really don't play that many games while I'm there.  I like to look at the expo floor, check out the Cosplayers and take in Indianapolis.

We also go to Winter War every year, here in Champaign.  I like to compete in the Catan tournament there, mainly because the folks are pretty friendly, I get to play several games of Settlers of Catan and the guy who organizes it is awesome.

Gaming is part of my social life.  It is by no means the largest part, but it is a part that I enjoy.  Just don't try to beat me!

Lent 2014 - Day 34 - Lilly

Lilly

Lilly is one of my best friends.  She calls me Auntie Cee and calls Deane Auntie Deane (apparently to Lilly Auntie is simply a term of endearment, we love it). All of the kids love Lilly too, they call her Littl' Lilly.  Lilly is Noah's big sister and the daughter of dear friends.  We have gotten to be very close over the last few years. 

Before we got to know Lilly we admired her from afar (across the church).  As an infant, we marveled at how she was able to hold up her head with such wonderfully pudgy cheeks. She had such a great smile.  We are so glad to have her in our lives now.

A week or so ago I was playing piggies with Lilly while everyone else was busy doing other things.  We were laying together on the love seat in her living room.  Lilly turned over and gave me a huge hug, sighed and said "I love you Auntie Cee."  I almost cried.  It was the first time she'd said that to me spontaneously.  We always say "love you" when saying good bye, but this was the first time she declared her love for me all on her own.  I feel very special.

We got to spend the day with Lilly, just me and Deane.  We went to her soccer practice, had lunch at McDonalds and worked out in our yard.  Lilly had a great time helping Deane dig things up in the garden and power wash the patio (she kept trying to spray the dogs, who loved it!). Hanging out with Lilly gave us a taste of what it will be like to be grandparents someday.  I think we are going to like it.

Lilly keeps us on our toes and reminds us of the joy of childhood.  We love having her around, but to be honest, we also love being able to take her home at the end of the day!  I think it's easier to love young children when you can "borrow" them for the day!

So, Thank You Lilly for being our friend!  We look forward to watching you grow and playing with you for a long time to come!

Lent 2014 - Day 33 - Pain

Pain

There was a time when getting me into this chair took four people and a lot of pain.  I was doing really well to be able to sit up for 15-20min.  Thankfully, things are much better now.

I still have pain, pretty much on a daily basis.  It's not usually too bad.  Sometimes I get terrible nerve pain (usually it starts around 2am).  I wouldn't wish that stuff on anyone.  It comes in two flavors, electrocution, it literally feels like I'm being shocked repeatedly in the same spot for hours on end, and fire, where a section of my foot becomes so sensitive that any touch will cause me to cry out.  Sometimes the fire is really more of a dull roar, that is to say part of my foot will be on fire, but I can manage to ignore it most of the time.

I have a variety of remedies for both kinds of pain, electric pulse massage, creams, pills.  Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't.  Sometimes the pills just make me not care as much.  Mostly I find doing something that gets my mind off of myself is the best remedy.  This is not always possible at 2am (thank God for Netflix!), but when things go bad during the day, I try to keep myself busy or to at least remind myself that there are so many others out there who have it far, far worse than I.

I tell you all of this, not to complain, but to explain.  Sometimes I may be a bit more distracted or short tempered than normal. I apologize for that, I'm probably dealing with pain or fatigue brought on by pain and lack of sleep. Of course, I could just be spaced out or grouchy. I am human after all!

I've said before, I don't see the fact that I have pain as something that makes me different from anyone else. We all have burdens to bear, seen and unseen. We all need to learn to cut each other a little more slack and be kinder and more patient with each other (I know I need to work on this!).  If you ever hear me say I'm hurting, there's a good bet I'm hurting pretty badly and need to take a break or deal with it in some way.  I really don't like it when pain gets in my way.

I thank you all for putting up with me through this, especially my husband and my kids, Lord knows they bear the brunt of my crankiness! I really am sorry when I snap at you, its not your fault.  Thanks for forgiving me, understanding and helping me to keep moving on!

Lent 2014 - Day 32 - Cheesecake

Cheesecake

Yesterday evening I was sitting around a table with some ladies from church selling them cheesecake. The High School Chorus is selling them as a fundraiser (I'd be happy to hook you up, just let me know!) and we started talking about how good cheesecake is.  It got me to remembering the best cheesecake ever.

When I was young, maybe 7 or 8, I went to visit my Aunt's in-laws in Great Neck New York.  They owned a bakery, sadly, I don't remember the name of it.  What I do remember is Grandpa Sol and Uncle Sol (they were actually my cousin's grandpa and uncle, and yes, they had the same name and no I'm not exactly sure how they were related, but none of that really matters) took me to the bakery and treated me like a Queen!

I had the run of the place.  

It was heaven on earth.

I remember walking past huge vats of whipped cream and being able to sample as much as I wanted.

I remember them magically and effortlessly making huge roses out of icing and putting them on a cake for me.  I got to design it, all by myself.  They were at my beck and call. 

I remember a  peanut butter machine that cranked out the best peanut butter ever!

I remember going back out to the front of the store and pointing and the pastry of my desire was delivered into my hands.  It was magical.

I remember loading up the trunk of the car with cheesecakes and other goodies to take home.

I'm sure I was sicker than a dog later that day, but I don't remember that. What I do remember is a day of pure joy with two men who's only goal was to make me happy.

I hope they know it worked; and that it makes me happy to this day whenever I eat cheesecake and remember them.

Lent 2014 - Day 31 - Being a Mom

Being a Mom

I used to think that in order to be a good Mom I had to be Super Mom.  You know, the June Cleaver type who always hard warm cookies waiting for the kids when they got home from school?  I actually once overheard a mom saying how she like to greet her kids with warm cookies when they got home.  It made me feel terribly inadequate for a long time.  Then I found out that mom had an affair and left her husband.  I don't feel so bad any more. 

With time, and lots of help from my kids and my husband (their Dad) I'm learning that being a good Mom is a lot more about being there, being engaged and interested, than it is about warm cookies.  I'm a better mom when I have time to myself, at work and with friends.  I would have been a terrible stay at home mom, it's just not my calling. 

I have learned that the fact that you actually manage to get everyone out the door with what they need in the morning is more important than staying up until 2am making home made snacks for the school party (Thank You to the schools that now ONLY allow store bought items, you have no idea how much guilt you have relieved!). I have learned that you can stay in touch with your kid's teachers and be involved in their activities without being the Class Mom. I have learned that it is important to take a day off of work to go on that school field trip, even if it means riding on a school bus for four hours.

For most of his life my son has had a best friend.  This young man has spent many hours/days in our home. For years he refused to call me anything other than Mrs. Geiken (his parents have raised him well).  I kept encouraging him to call me Cee, he wouldn't do it.  One day he started calling me Mom.  It was wonderful! He is now 20 years old and still calls me Mom.  There are actually several kids that are not related to me at all who call me Mom. I love it.  To me it is the ultimate form of respect and acceptance. I wouldn't trade it for the world.

I have been blessed with two incredible children that I can call my own.  A year ago we added Wolf to the mix. I really couldn't ask for more.

A few years ago good friends of ours, who are about our age, fostered a young girl, who they have since adopted. She was 5 going on 6 when they first got her.  They had never had a child before. I got lots of questions from the mom and was happy to give advice.  She kept telling me I should write a book, I kept telling her I had 5 years of messing up before I got to where she was when she started!  I don't get a lot of questions from her anymore, she's figuring it out just fine on her own! They have become a great family and I look forward to watching them grow!

The true trick to being a good Mom? Listening.  Hear what you're children are saying and what they aren't. Respect their feelings and their opinions. Explain your decisions and stick to them, even when they don't like the answer. Have fun with you kids! Be involved in their lives and let them be involved in yours. Ask for help when you need it. Always say you're sorry when you screw up. Never let them forget how much you love them.

There you have it.  I'm not Super Mom, I'm just Mom and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Lent 2014 - Day 30 - The Little Things

The Little Things

Mean So Much

Today I've been thinking about the little things we do for each other that often mean so very much.  Things like the fact that Deane always leaves me a dry towel on the hook by the tub, even though he showers first in the morning. Things like, leaving my vitamins on the counter ready for me to take. Like coming home to find that Cora has cooked us supper, just because. These are the things that can totally make your day.

While I was recovering, my sister in law Donna, made me a quilt for my hospital bed.  Now that's a little bit bigger than some of the things I'm talking about, but it was perfect.  It took her a weekend to make, but made my room and bed feel so much more like home. I had other people bring me blankets and shawls too, all of them were hand made.  I still have them all and when I see them I think of the love and thoughtfulness that went into them.  It's a great feeling.

If its true, and I think it is, that these small acts of thoughtfulness can have such a huge impact on us, why don't we do more of them? Things like posting Happy Birthday to someone's Facebook wall, saying "You like really nice today.", paying for the guy behind you at the drive up, bringing snacks in for a long meeting, making the bed, putting a note in someones lunch box or posting it to their mirror.  All of these require very little effort on our part, yet we often overlook the chance to do them.  Why is that?  Why don't we all seize the opportunity to make someone's day every chance we get? 

I suppose if it happened all the time we'd start to take them for granted, but I still think we could do them a lot more often than we do. Therefore, I hereby challenge you to:

1. Appreciate the little things!  Acknowledge them when they happen. Say Thank You (that, in itself, can make someone's day).
2. Do the little things and keep doing them, as much as possible for as many people as possible.  It will make you happy.

Lent 2014 - Day 29 - Re-enacting

Re-enacting

Deane and I both love history.  We started taking that love of history further than the average bear shortly after we met.  It started innocently enough with dressing up to go Ren Faires and hosting medieval parties. Then we joined the SCA (Society for Creative Anachronism).  Soon, that wasn't enough.  We had to form our own troop (St. Sebastian, a 14th Century English Archery Troop) and branch out into several different centuries.

Twenty seven years later, we're still at it.  

Our children have grown up dressing up in funny clothes and running off to the 14th or 18th century for the weekend.  I re-enacted through both summer pregnancies (I don't actually recommend that) and the kids both attended their first events as newborns.  I have never heard my children complain about being bored at an event, not once.  Getting Cora to keep a head-covering on is still a challenge, but otherwise they don't complain about the clothes either.  When Wolf came over, he joined in the fun and is now hooked as well.

Commitments in the mundane world keep us from participating as much as we used to, as do some of the physical demands.  We have expanded even more in the last few years to include Steam Punk in our repertoire, the only "fantasy" re-enacting we do and Deane, Julian and Wolf have started doing WWII stuff as well. 

I hope as life continues to change that more opportunities to play history will open up for us and that we can re-capture some of the thrill (some of what we do now has gotten a bit hum-drum and makes us work weary).  Perhaps as the children continue to grow, we can pass the organizational torch to them and we can start to come along for the ride instead.

One thing is for sure, I hope my children will pass this on to their children.  It has been a wonderful family activity that I wouldn't trade for the world!

Lent 2014 - Day 28 - Performing

Performing

Today I got to attend our school's Show Choir Spectacular (think talent show with no judging).  It is always an amazing show!  We have some very talented students at our High School, and great staff who teach and encourage them. We have attended this show for the last several years and have really enjoyed watching the kids.  The highlight for me, of course, is watching Cora perform.

Julian was in band, but never did Show Choir or any singing, so this is Cora's event.

Cora never let's us hear her songs before the performance, she wants it to be a surprise for us.  I think she just wants to make me cry in public.  She is amazing!

I used to do a lot of theater, when I was in High School.  I can't sing though.  I was always in the chorus for our school musicals because I could dance, sing with a group and act.  Believe me, you never want to hear me sing a solo!  I miss performing.  I really enjoy being in front of an audience.  Some of the best friends I've ever had were made during my theater days.  Someday, maybe soon, I hope to get back to it.  For now, I enjoy watching Cora shine.

She can sing and dance and act.  She did her first musical last summer and I'm hoping she'll do one this summer (Once Upon a Mattress!!!!!).  I love watching her.  Each time she performs her confidence grows.  It used to be that when she took the stage to sing I had to sit in the front row right in front of her so she could focus on me and no one else.  Not any more!  

Even though Cora can really get up there and belt it out, she's great at sharing the stage too.  This year she performed a duet with a young lady she's sung with many times.  Their voices together are awesome.  Cora likes to make sure everyone gets a chance to perform, it's one of the things I love about her.

I have really enjoyed helping to nurture this side of her.  I hope she keeps it up for many years to come.  I know when I decide to take the stage again myself, she will be there, front and center, cheering me on too!

Lent 2014 - Day 27 - What I Do for a Living

What I Do for a Living

I am a Usability Specialist.  Don't know what that is? Well, I think I'll sing you a song!

Seriously, sometimes, like today, I LOVE my job.  Today I got to do something I haven't done in a long time, I got to run Usability Evaluations on a website.  What's that you ask? Ok, I'll tell you, but I won't sing.

Usability is all about making things (in my case it's usually software interfaces or websites) easier to use. What I do is ask a user to perform a set of tasks on a website and observe how easy or difficult it is for them to complete the tasks.  I have them think out loud while they are performing the task so I can gain an understanding of their thought process and what they are looking for on the site.  I sometimes use software to capture what the user is doing and saying and it's great when I can have someone else take notes during the session so I can focus on facilitating the session and interviewing the user.  That's it in a nutshell.

What's so great about all that you ask? Well, sheesh, what isn't great about it!?!

You see, while I'm observing a session, I learn something EVERY SINGLE TIME!  

I've been working in web design / usability for about 25 years now (God, I'm getting old), ever since Al Gore invented the internet (I was actually at that press conference, it was at ACB in front of the CRAY Supercomputer) and Mosaic started supporting images. Despite all of the years of experience I have under my belt, there is always something I can learn by watching someone else go through a website or interface.

You know what else is awesome? Being able to make improvements to that site or interface based on that user feedback.  I help improve peoples lives! Ok, I at least make the experience of using that particular site/interface better.  It's the little things people!

I love seeing that Ah Ha moment in a designer or content provider's eyes when they finally get why people have been having trouble using their site/interface.  I love helping them figure out how to fix it and I really love watching a user then be successful, where before they failed.

I have to say, it's all pretty cool as far as I'm concerned, and can be very rewarding!

Lent 2014 - Day 26 - Fire & Wine

Fire & Wine

One of our favorite things to do is to have Fire & Wine.  We sit out in the back yard around our lovely fire pit with a roaring fire and sip wine with good friends.  It's heaven!

The key ingredients to a successful Fire & Wine are:

• nice weather, not too hot, not too cold
• comfortable clothes
• comfortable chairs
• good wine, or beer, or soda
• good friends
• great conversation

Our kids enjoy this ritual as much as we do, in fact the adults around the fire can often be outnumbered by teens (making it more of a Fire & Pop event).  My son has even been heard to say "No, we can't go yet, they're starting to tell stories, this is the best part!".  

That is what I love the most about these "events", the quiet (ok, sometimes it's not so quite) fellowship.

We pass down our legends around the fire.  We teach our children to make s'mores, roast the perfect marshmallow and warm their hands.  It is our version of a Story Circle. This is where memories are shared and made.  It is what life is all about, for me anyway.

So, the next time you see me post that it's time for Fire & Wine, grab a bottle and a chair and meet me, you know where!

Lent 2014 - Day 25 - Gratitude / Guilt

Gratitude / Guilt

This photo is from the Anniversary meal that was served to us while I was at Heartland.  It was prepared by my children and some very kind friends who did everything they could to turn a nursing home dining room into an intimate meal for two.  I am so very grateful to them, and to so many others, who went out of their way to help us in our time of need. 

The family that helped my children prepare this meal is now in dire need of help themselves.  I will do what I can for them, it won't be enough.

This breaks my heart.

There, but for the Grace of God, go I.

We could have lost everything.  We didn't.

I could have died. I didn't.

I guess it's called Survivor's Guilt.  Why did things work out for us and not for others?  

Every time I start to feel sorry for myself or get mad at the situation I'm in, I see or hear of someone who is far worse off than me.

I get it.  I need to get over it and move forward.  It's hard, it hurts and it's not fun, but I can do it and for that I am eternally grateful.

So, I guess it's time, once again, to pull up my Big Girl Pants, stop complaining about what's ailing me and get to work helping these dear people who need everything we can give them right now.

Hang on folks!  It's going to be a bumpy ride!

Lent 2014 - Day 24 - Caesar

Caesar

I love Teddy Bears, always have.  I have slept with one most of my life.  They are so soft and cuddly, relaxing to snuggle up with.  Love.

While I was recovering at Heartland some friends sent me Caesar as a gift.  Cora named him. He became my companion, a touch of home.  

I couldn't move very much for about 4.5 months. I'm a side sleeper, and that was simply not an option with re-bar through my pelvis. I was propped up on six pillows on a special air mattress, doing everything possible to take the weight off of my broken tail bone as well as keeping my pelvis from twisting.  It was a feat to say the least.  

At night, when it was time for bed, I would lean my bed back a little and tuck Caesar under my arm.  I could turn my head to the side, but that was about it.  Having something to cuddle definitely helped!

During the day, while I was out of my room for PT/OT, one of the housekeepers at Heartland would come in and clean my room.  There was one in particular who would always make my bed and arrange Caesar in some silly pose on it.  Sometimes he even had a note with some happy thought for me.  It always made me smile!

The kind man who sent Caesar to me has since passed away.  He was not much older than me and had suffered from poor health for a long time.  I think he knew exactly how much a soft Teddy Bear would help me.  I got to see him once after I was released from the nursing home.  He was in good spirits as always and it was a joy to be able to thank him for his gift in person.  He passed away about six months later from a heart attack.

I still sleep with Caesar tucked under my arm.  I can now sleep on my side once again, although rolling over is still a bit of a challenge.  I'm lucky that Deane doesn't get jealous or tease me about my sleeping companion. At night, as I'm falling asleep, I often think of those who sent Caesar to me and wish them peace.

I may never know why others die and I didn't, that is something I will struggle with always.  I can only try to do my best with the time I've been given.  I hope I'm doing it right.

Sweet dreams.