Forgive

I have a very hard time forgiving people for big things.  I have been known to hold a grudge. Forgiveness is painful for me.

To be clear, you have to do something pretty rotten for me to get really angry or hurt in the first place.  I'm also going to give you about a million chances to redeem yourself.  I will take you back again and again. But at some point, I will snap and that will be it. 

Once you've crossed that point, there really isn't any going back.

I don't mean that I will throw things at you every time I see you or anything like that.  I will be polite to you in public, but I won't invite you in any more.  I will not trust you and it will take me a very, very long time to forgive you.

Now, I understand that this hurts me more than it hurts the one who hurt me, but this is just the way I am.  I'm working on it.  I've even managed to let go of some pretty big things, but it's definitely very difficult for me to do.

Fortunately my husband forgives very easily and is very patient with me. This is just another example of how we balance each other out. Not that he's ever done anything deserving of true forgiveness. 

That's what I'm talking about here, true forgiveness.  The life changing kind.  The kind needed for really big stuff.  Not the, I forgive you for cutting me off in traffic kind.  It might take me a hour or so, but I'll forgive you for cutting me off.  Do something to really hurt me or someone I care about, that's what I'm talking about here, that might take me a lifetime to forgive.

I know this is one of the things that kept me away from the Church for so long.  The very concept of that kind of forgiveness, well, it's still hard for me to grasp.

Please forgive me.